79 & Fine… my aging mother

I am fine.

3 words I pray they leave my memory.

79 & fine.

Let her tell the story.

That’s what I say… don’t interrupt her mid sentence because she’s taking longer than you wanna stay tuned in.

It can’t possibly be easy for her.

The world spinning around her as time slips away. Waking daily feeling weaker than the day before. 79 & fine.

Her legs limp … wanting to collapse. As she reaches from place to place to gather her balance praying for stability within her own body.

Her bones strong. Her body weak. Her mind stronger.

79 & fine.

I know she must continue to say it aloud …

more for herself than others.

How did the years fly by so quickly. Her mind so clear.

Her body failing.

She keeps saying.

I want my strength back.

Back to before.

That is a fair request.

Our bodies aren’t made to last forever.

We must care for them more in the present… instead of begging for them to work in the end.

I’m fine. 79 & fine.

so for now… I stand by.

Waiting. Watching…

Ready to catch her .

I am fine she says …

Ejected

My heart ❤️ wide open… running free.

In love…

knowing I was safe…

forever safe

I GOT YOU

goodbye…like a car crashin into a brick wall…

unexpected.

Ejected

The impact …

slow motion

everything

around me…

Still moving.

I began to crumble…

entire body.

Broken.

my heart still barely beating💔

feeling my own pulse

Hearing my heart beat…

in my ears.

Barely Beating.

Broken

Ejected

Just there breathing…

Awaiting rescue.

life flight will come

is the night too dark

They won’t find me

Ejected

Barely breathing

BOOM

Ohhhh that hurt

(difibulator)

BARELY BREATHING

It’s too late

My heart❤️

No longer beating

in my ear

Moving into a space

away

from my body

Floating

feeling free

Ejected

The shock…

the restart of my heart❤️

Beating Beating Beating

Barely Beating

Breathing

All over again

Learning to live in a new space

Taking my time

Knowing life is fragile

Breakable

Trusting no one

Truly GOT YOU…

EJECTED

boom boom. Boom boom

Slowly your heart begins again

Fragile

Resting

Trusting

Watching

Carefully

Running free

Wide open

Run…

Run…

Run…

Free❤️

You can begin again.

Permission 💔

I’m just gunna love you

I think you thought “I don’t fight” was just something I said to impress you. I’m just gunna love you I said… Love you til you push me far enough away. Far enough that I no longer feel connected… til our souls become like magnets in place of magnetic. Soul mates.
I’m just gunna love you.

Love you until you begin to create strife where none exist. I assure you the locks don’t need changin’ the phone won’t ring. A text won’t be sent. I don’t fight I told you. There is no need to fight where I don’t belong. You’ll be fine. You’ll move on

FILLING THE VOID

As we continue on this journey through life we must remember that nothing will fill THE void… the emptiness the longing for…

ONLY GOD can fill voids.

Men & women please remember this as you move through life.  Don’t run silly trying to please others.  Praying about this will align you in favor.  Walk with a pure heart.  Remember you only want  “love & fondness” of a person that gives it willingly.   If your deeds are what draw people to you …emptiness is certain to follow.  Reach out to God to fill these voids.  Speak to him as you move through your daily life.  Ask his permission if you will.  God is this someone who you want in my life?  Ask him to reveal any ill intentions.  Ask him to move people out of your path swiftly if they are not in the plan he has already created for YOU!

God gives us PRIDE for that very reason.  He wants us to stand tall reminding us that we are made in his image.  Do not ever beg someone to share time with you.   When someone constantly declines your invitations or accepts the invitation only if it benefits them…. MOVE ON…

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION.  Don’t allow people to use you.  I promise you know when this is taking place.  We are all adults.  You know the WHY of people having you in their lives.

If you are struggling with this VOID …please get deeper into prayer asking God to fill those voids.  Ask God to bring warmth & peace in your heart.  He can fill your void as you long for affections OF THE HEART…

CHASING people will only leave you heart-broken… This isn’t just in love.  This can be friends or family as well.  If people want to spend time with you…you will know it.

I want God to know that I trust him.  I have all the FAITH I need that he will place the right people in my path.  I am his child… I don’t have to beg for people to love me.

Amelia

Sometimes we learn this the hard way….

g l e a s o n s…

We were busy barefoot children.  Running the streets of Decatur, Alabama in the early 70’s.  Outside play was not forbidden.  Outside play was demanded. Screen doors slamming… mothers screaming “OUTSIDE NOW” “it’s a beautiful day “. “no room for you inside”.  No one was inside… I always found that statement to be humorous… how there was no room for us.  Truth be known, we played outside in the rain also… thunder, lightning.  We ran barefoot for hours on end.  Kick ball, hopscotch & endless games of freeze tag that I never won.  These games outside were an all day affair.

Some days we would jump on our bikes… barefoot again, ride off to Carls corner store longing for a brown paper sack of penny candy! Carls still stands to this date @ the corner of Johnson & 6th Ave.  Other days that bike would remind us why the no shoes game was a bad deal… the BIG TOE TEAR… as your toe is torn riding that bike at mach 9… you simply jump off acknowledge  what you already knew by the FEELING… yup another BIG TOE TEAR…  All of your friends so gracious enough to stop… take a look at the injury… jump back on bikes and off we would go… bloody toe and all.

Our summer nights were full of chasing fireflies in our front yard…yard of dirt not grass.  A mason jar with holes stabbed into the lid would become the death penalty for every firefly that we knew would light up our room for days to come.  They never made it through the night.  somehow it never stopped us from the same game over and over again.

Our street was flooded with children and old ladies… 9  of those children coming from one home.  The Gleasons.  Ahhhhhh. The GLEASONS   It was like a staple in our town… just the name itself.  Mrs. Gleason known to many as Nell was the mother of my next door neighbor best friend KELLY GLEASON and a Saint we were all pretty certain. The Gleason children  were varied in ages 5 of them already grown and on their way in life. The younger all still home.  It was like clockwork… Mrs. Gleason was barely 5 foot… at the most… maybe a wee bit less … yet her voice could be heard for miles.  Mrs. Gleason would step out onto the back porch & ring from above(that she could barely reach) A BELL… A DINNER BELL.  RING RINGGGGG. went the bell.  The next thing you heard was like JULIE ANDREWS from THE SOUND OF MUSIC.  In the most eloquent Puerto Rican accent she would give birth to her most famous words…

G L E A S O N S… she sang this name as it she were yodeling to the himalayas.  It was complete perfection.  the roll of her tongue.  The depth of her voice.  It commanded all ears.  Whether near or far…. the bell would catch your attention… The voice would stop you dead in your tracks.  Her voice full of fire… How proud she was to call that name.  We knew the intent was to say…dinner is served COME HOME NOW.  In the SOUTH… we knew this meant… COME & GET IT!!!

Children would jump out of bushes that they were not supposed to be in… the ladies that owned those shrubs would switch you.  Children would freeze in sadness knowing many of the children would be leaving to go home now.  I on the other hand would jump right up and follow…yes you guessed… the Gleason children.  I somehow was a honorary Gleason.  I went through the FOOD LINE many times in that home.  My favorite was the grand pot of GOULASH  made with love.  A loaf of bread & butter would also line the counter.

Mrs. Gleason took us to mass on Saturdays @ 5 & again @ noon on Sunday.  We always knew she loved us & cared for our well being and we knew without a doubt she cared for our souls.   Even if I was only an honorary Gleason.

 

In her memory… NELL GLEASON

 

Author:

Amie Gulli

MY CARTOON BRAIN…

Let me see if I can transcend this into words.

My brain works just a little different than most!

My entire family & friends are aware of my CARTOON BRAIN & they even tell me that I have them SEEING CARTOON @ times…

I LOVE IT!

O.K. This is how it works…

If I am deep in thought on a particular subject….

daydreaming if you will…

I see THE SCENE in my mind in CARTOON…

crazy…I know.

I am fully aware.

This is the KICKER. Not only do I see THE SCENE in Cartoon…

I also see it EXAGGERATED/DRAMATIZED… 10fold.

EXAMPLE….

Last week Bella tells me she can not go into her room due to SEEING A COCKROACH.

UGGGG… NOT THE DRAMA OF THE COCKROACH YET AGAIN…

After much discussion on how the cleanest home may somehow have a bug …spider…cockroach. etc. We live near the water sooooo.

BELLA INSISTS ON ASKING OVER & OVER…

HOW DO THEY GET HERE???

CARTOON BECAME THIS…

COCKROACH RIDING THE ELEVATOR UP(WE LIVE IN A BUILDING ABOVE A RESTAURANT) Cockroach has feet kinda crossed at his ankles as if to lean on the interior wall of the elevator. Holding a toothpick due to he had just completed dinner in said Gosport restaurant below our apt. With one of his other tentacles he pushed button #3 (all other tentacles…. reaching out to scratch back…head… even one picking his nose) because he decides that Bella is the funnest person in the building to freak out…. In fact he rubs the rest of his tentacles together while anticipating her shrieking screams. Lost in thought the elevator DINGS upon landing ….door opens…

COCKROACH exits…

standing straight up like a human walking into the apartment. Almost as if to be a BURGLAR …

the cockroach decides to tip toe around in fear we may be in plain sight!

Realizing he has just completed dinner & he has the worst manners… most roaches do.

He stops to pull a cig out of his coat pocket… yes… he has a coat…. the coat has at least 30 pockets on the interior of the jacket… he has many tentacles.

He reaches in his pants pocket to grab his lighter & pulls out a blind fold with eye cut outs & remembers to put it on!! after a lil thought on the cig… he puts it back in his pocket realizing that the smoke may alert us….
Mr. Cockroach soon realizes he is SCOTT FREE …we are not home.. he heads straight for the trash. takes the lid off the can & begins to pick out his fav dish… suddenly he hears the elevator & runs for cover…
(NOW REMEMBER BELLA HAS ALREADY CLAIMED THAT HE WAS HUGE)

In saying so… the dramatics of his size increases. He wears a device on his back (one as if to carry a baby) With plans to take Bella sense she keeps ratting him out… Bella head to bed all the while the dirty roach hides in her closet!!!

Next scene He has the blindfold ready again to use to tie her mouth shut!!! snatches her up & places her in the device on his back… knowing he can/t make it to the elevator with out us hearing him… He pulls the fire escape ladder out to make a clean get away…

Mr. Cockroach has no idea whom he is messing with. Bella unties the blindfold & places over the cockroaches eyes. using his tentacles to tie him up and toss him off the ladder.. dusting her hands in the motion of accomplishment. She shakes her hair side to side as every beautiful super hero would that just fought off a human sized cockroach. Bella crawls back through the window…checking the room for any other predators….
meanwhile….
Mr. Cockroach just happen to fall to heaven…right in the dumpster from the restaurant…

the end…

AWAKENING

The day is now.  Here in this moment.  The past yet memories …. reminders of the journey.  One more step in the wrong direction could not be taken.  I could no longer live a lie.   A lie saying that I must be what THEY say… Go where THEY say… Do what THEY say.  Really, who  ARE THEY?

The time is NOW to live in the truth of WHO I AM.  I choose to be FREE.  FREE from all the clutter in my life & mind.  I will only live for what creates a space of joy & happiness.  Life is not meant to be spent in pain.  Free from all the pain.  It is time to live…love & wake up to world that is OUT THERE.  Out there waiting for me to EXHALE.  I am AWAKE!

The GREAT COACHES

The very best coaches build their athletes up to BELIEVE in themselves …

They INSPIRE…

A GREAT COACH catches his athlete doing GREAT THINGS and PRAISES HIM TO SUCCESS!

GREAT COACHES DON’T ALWAYS USE THE BEST LANGUAGE!

GREAT COACHES GET FRUSTRATED WHEN THEY KNOW YOU AREN’T GIVING YOOUR ALL!

GREAT COACHES are great LIFE teachers!! His teaching goes far beyond the X’S AND O’S….

EGO CAN BE A PART OF THE MAKE UP OF THE GAME…. The EGO STRUGGLE IS REAL…The EGO STRUGGLE CAN BLOCK YOUR TALENT!!!

The best coaches are constantly looking to improve even themselves!

My way or the highway is a DEAD END route for a great coach.

A GREAT COACH WALKS THE WALK …

The best teaching tool for a GREAT COACH is MODELING!

The most powerful and successful coaches of all time conduct themselves with HONESTY and INTEGRITY on and off the field!

 

• GREAT COACHES WERE GREAT MEN AND WOMEN BEFORE COACHING!

Grief my friend

I want you to leave …
you’re not welcome anymore.
Why must you show up…
like a neighbor at my door?
I scream…I want you gone!
I want to be free!
Free from pain!
Free to be ME!
GRIEF my friend…
Why do you linger?
I need you no more…
You keep coming back …back for more.
Why must you shadow my soul as I run from your attack…
LEAVE LEAVE.  NEVER COME BACK…
GRIEF my friend …
Do I feel I owe you a place?
A place in my life?
I just need space…
Let me live my life.
GRIEF how do you claim to be my friend?
The answer so simple.

THE VOICE OF GRIEF SPEAKING ONCE AGAIN…
I will be here forever more.
It doesn’t mean I will be with you day to day.
I may be just a thought …a simple thought away…
I will catch you if you fall.
Together we will go through it all.
Let me be the one you turn to in the night.
As your thoughts try to move me to send me far far away ..
just know I am good…I am GRIEF. I am your friend. For through me. You will never forget…you will HEAL.
I AM GRIEF…
My hand in yours…

I AM NOT THE END…

THREE HUNDRED EIGHTY FOUR

Three hundred and eighty four weeks until high school ends.

Wait… 11 years gone.

How is that so…where did they go?

I’ve been busy ya know..
making sure you have the things you need.
Dentist. Doctor. Acting.
Days of dance gone by..Gymnastics….wait. Wait.
Those were the things you said you need….
Parenting alone…
Wait…I should know …
Where did they go?
You watch me run in the door and back again.
I look crazy …don’t I?
telling you to follow your dreams all the while I lay mine on a shelf. Maybe, I should look at myself. Me in the mirror. _looking at the me running insane …
Chasing a check. Chasing pain..
Head lowers … Not standing the sight of the self in the mirror…
Hello THREE HUNDRED EIGHTY FOUR…
Wake up mom. Over 500 gone forever more.
A crossroad. There’s no keeping score.
I’ve got to stop running away to make sure you have all the things you need….
I’m right here…back at the mirror.
I see you looking at me…
Me….I’m what you need.